Monday, 11 August 2014

Click flash

Do you ever wish your entire life was being recorded? That you had your own personal photographer/cameraman who followed you around capturing all the moments you couldn't.

I'm always so afraid of forgetting. It's an existential crisis I've faced numerous times and as I get older I'm only neuroticising (how is this not a word, +Oxford Dictionaries ?) about it more of the time.

If you go back to one of my very first posts, you'll see this blog started as a result of one of those crisis. I finishing eighth grade. My second post now in tenth grade the mind-fuck that is life comes back. It really shows I how I've become more obsessed with time and memories as life goes on.

Having not read these posts in a while, I can only laugh at myself. I'm done with crying for the night.

I remember having a complete break down before putting it into words. I'm talking a continuous flow of tears and snot. Sitting at my computer desk, before all you youngen's had laptops, crying my eyes out and ranting to my friend on MSN messenger. Going on about how I could barely remember what happened last week, how oh how was I suppose to remember a year back or the rest of my life. Needless to say she set me straight, I was always dramatic I suppose. She still one of the first to pull me back in when I'm gone off into the deep end. She's been dealing with my shit since 09' and I'm very thankful.

Man, oh man we've had a lot of costumes
I think it was because I didn't have many good or happy experiences during that period of my life. So I was so afraid to lose the few that I did have. I'm not traumatised I'm just damaged and that sits with me just fine. Every kid goes through something or many somethings for those of us who are not too fortunate. It builds character they say. Kids are mean. That's another rambling I intend to word-vomit onto here soon, so watch this space.

here's a preview 

Of all the sentiments, all the ups and downs, if I could go back and tell myself anything I wish I could tell my 14-year-old self, it will be okay. That scared, unsure little girl who was too timid and weak to speak up; for herself, her beliefs, her sadness, the child that lost her voice and her will. With all my heart I wish now I knew then what I do now. (such a conundrum, haha).I wish my 34-year-old self would tell me it will be okay, that life works itself out eventually.

God, I feel like I'm baring my soul.
***
Now back to my initial rambling topic of choice! 
I have such a hard time letting go of people and one of the reasons is because of the history that comes with any relationship. There are memories that only you two share, and that person holds memories of you that you don't even have. So when a person leaves your life, a friend, a lover, they take that part of you with them. A huge chunk of your being, your TIME is gone. POOF!

One of my affirmations that I live by comes from one of the few anime I've seen in my time, +Fruits Basket
"I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget." -Momiji
I could never remember the quote word for word but the depth and rawness of it remains in my mind and in my heart. My 16-year-old interpretation was that "I want to keep all my memories even if they hurt me now I want to keep them. So that one day when I’m strong enough to look back and they won’t hurt me anymore. And ill be glad to have them." 

So yeahhhhh some days I just want my own personal paparazzi, essentially, because I look hella fine. Outfit on point, face YESSS, eyebrows on point.
Let me know in a comment if you ever feel this way? There are plenty of pros and cons to having your life captured but I think it would more of a positive in my life. :D:D

Much love Cat xox.